Monday, February 7, 2011

A crack, not yet a breakthrough

Pregnancy was not easy for me. I battled migraines, skin issues, ligament pains, and occasional anxiety. Labor and delivery? Definitely NOT a simple experience. Motherhood? Well, if you read my blog regularly, it's pretty easy to figure out that I am far from perfect.

Amelia is 2 years and 10 months old tomorrow. I have shared many exciting joys and happiness-inducing laughs with her. I have also managed to wear myself out. I have battled anxiety and depression. And I paralyzed myself with fear upon any thought of a (gasp!) second child. I fear how my body will react to pregnancy hormones again. I fear more surgery after another delivery. I fear that a second child would never be able to match up to the awesomeness that is Amelia. We were blessed with a spunky, extremely smart, hilarious little girl. One who shows off her fake tattoos and plays rough with older boys. She's an independent person with an amazing spirit. What if a second child lets us down?  By the time I get over these terrible twos and potty training aggravation, I'm supposed to think about starting over?!? Goosebumps and chills. Yikes.

However, there is a tiny streak of a silver lining. I have begun to notice how much I love other people's kids. Amelia is #1 in my mind (mommy bias!), but I adore her little school friends. I enjoy the smiles I get from my friends' babies. None of these kids seem like a disappointment... surely my second child could never be!

Sometimes I call Amelia my little octopus. She is so clingy! I barely move more than 16 inches from her and she's running over to see what I'm doing. Mommy makes the best snacks. Mommy must change the Pull-Ups. Mommy must endure the wiggles and crowding by a preschooler in the restaurant booth.

Last night, I witnessed a miracle. We attended a Super Bowl party. I had already resigned myself to Amelia duty. I expected beforehand that I would not talk to my friends, I would attend to my little octopus. But this party? This party had kids! And toys! And a fabulous upstairs play area. The children watched The Polar Express and played with the toys. After a few minutes, the mommies went DOWNstairs. Amelia? She stayed up there! She had the time of her life playing with the other kids. Playing without a grown-up in immediate view. Maybe, just maybe, the chaos of a sibling's early years would be made good by the future years of playtime together. Perhaps Mommy could get a minute to herself?!?

Friends and family: Before you get excited, remember this is not yet a breakthrough. Child #2 is not in the works anytime soon. But I have definitely begun to crack. Maybe, just maybe, I could do all this again.

2012? Maybe.

Or maybe not!

Just don't pressure me. I'll get there on my own terms. Cross my heart.

Amelia, 9 weeks old

(Photo of a photo. Original copyrighted image taken by Lambert's Photography in Tennessee)
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