Hilary practices at Reflective Counseling Services, LLC, with counseling services in Marietta, GA.
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Kid Problems are REAL Problems
Hilary Delman, LPC
As parents,
it’s easy to look at our children’s “problems” and shrug them off. We, after all, are busy worrying about bills,
planning meals, getting the house clean, laundry…we are worried REAL problems.
Stop. Close
your eyes. Do you remember being 12? 15? 17? Do you remember what you worried
about? Oh yeah…you worried about your clothes, your
friends, your boyfriends.
Yes, those
problems are REAL. They may seem insignificant to us because let’s face it,
paying pills is a bit more important than what you are going to wear the next
day. But not to our pre-teen, teen or
teen.
As parents we
say we want our children to be confident and happy. But what does that really mean and how do we
actually raise confident and happy children?
We let them
feel their feelings and we validate their feelings. No matter how insignificant
it feels to us.
Feelings
exist. Feelings aren’t right or wrong,
they just are. What we think happened might be right or wrong (ex. you told
your daughter she couldn’t go out until she did her chores but all she heard is
that she can’t go out), but FEELINGS ARE
NOT RIGHT OR WRONG.
Think about a
time when you felt like your feelings were INvalidated. Yeah, a time that you
thought someone was telling you that you SHOULDN’T feel a certain way. How did
you feel? Did you question yourself? Were you mad at yourself? Did you start
questioning every feeling you’ve ever had? When a child feels invalidated, it
hurts their self-esteem. They doubt themselves. They question themselves. Their
self-confidence diminishes.
When we don’t
validate our child’s feelings, our child things he or she is wrong. Whether
your child admits it or not, your child is looking at you to help them learn
how to be in the world. He or she is thinking “is it right that I’m feeling
this? Let me run it by mom…” Your child probably doesn’t realize that’s what’s
going on and certainly won’t admit it, but that IS what is going on!
So, how do you
validate your child’s feelings?
LISTEN.
This
means stop what you’re doing and make eye contact with your child. Repeat what
you hear. This way you make sure you actually heard the problem/concern and you
your child will know you were really and truly listening.
ASK.
What does your child need? Ask him/her. Too often we
jump to try to fix things. Sometimes that is not what our child needs.
Sometimes our child just wants to explore his or her feelings or just wants to feel
heard.
IDENTIFY.
Identify the
feeling. For example, “You feel angry.” Your child may say no…he or she may
tell you that you are wrong. That's OK! Your child is exploring feelings and
trying to identify the correct one. By naming a feeling you are helping your child
get in touch with and identify his or her feelings. This is a very valuable
life skill! Rest assured…you do not have to be right all the time! It’s
actually a valuable skill for your child to see you make a mistake. “OH! Mom’s
not perfect! She’s still ok! I don’t have to be perfect all the time!“
ALLOW.
Let your
child express his or her feelings both positive and negative. Don’t judge,
don’t dismiss. Just be there and watch your child’s confidence grow.
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Reflective Counseling Services, LLC therapy services
