Friday, July 30, 2010

Serenity now!

The Serenity Now - a great Seinfeld episode.

Also something I feel like screaming to the world these days.

I'm eyeing that lonely little cave again. The cave I want to crawl into. Where I can sleep for 6 days. I can get up when I want to. I can do what I want to. I can move how I want to.

I'm coming to terms with a realization about myself.

I am fake.

I'm as real as can be on my blog (that's why I love it so much). But in real life, in day-to-day work my butt off life, I do what I "should" do. I do what looks the best.

I clean the house like a mad woman when people are coming over - even though in real life, I don't really care if there are a few crumbs on the floor. I fly through a work project until I make myself nauseous just so I can be finished FAST. I check my hair and face before playing outside in gazillion-degree temperatures, just in case I see someone. God forbid I ever look like a frazzled mom of a 2-year-old diva.

When do I do something just because I want to? When Amelia is around, she tells me where to sit, what to play, when to play, how to come down the stairs, what to fetch her for snack. I can't do anything MY way. I can't even pee without her close supervision. Maybe it's my fault for letting her dictate so many things. But I'm too tired to fight more tantrums when I really can wait to take my turn on the stairs. Or hold it on the potty until Amelia is settled on her stepstool to observe. These are little things, and I can do them. Just like I can do that extra favor for a friend. And take on that extra project at work. And drag myself to another play place because it makes Amelia happy.

But I'm ready for 2 minutes of ME. Me, me, me, me, me. I'm ready to take the "perfect mom" role and throw it out of a 10-story window. Why can't I just be flawed? Does anyone out there really care? No - I know they don't. I do this to myself.

Maybe tomorrow I'll keep my PJs on all day. Maybe I'll take a shower at noon. Maybe I'll take time for me.

Serenity now!!!!!! Serenity. Now.
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