Friday, January 13, 2012

The day after...

Pain. Helplessness. Impatience.

That’s my day today. I am heartbroken when I look at my innocent little girl. Her face is puffy, blood pools in her eyes, and she is looking at her world with one eye shut. She had eye muscle surgery yesterday. Our choice. We did this to her.

We knew this would happen the first few days. We were informed over and over again that he brain needed time to adjust to the eyes’ new placement, that she may be cross-eyed with double vision. My rational side is taking this experience one day at a time, fully understanding that what we see today is not what we may see one week from now.

But my emotional side, my protective mommy side, is on the verge of complete meltdown. Her condition was very mild. Only close family observed her eye movement. No teachers, friends, or neighbors even noticed. But she began to tell me that her “eye wouldn’t stay still”, that she wanted it to be fixed. So we moved forward, put on our brave faces, and sent her into surgery.

And now that she looks worse than ever? The dark intruder, guilt, is hitting us hard.

What did we do?

Did we break our only child?

We were pressured into a quick choice?

Did we make a huge mistake?

I have had plenty of experiences with mommy guilt. But this one beats them all. I need the rational side to speak a little louder today. To tell me it’s going to be okay. To remind me that come Monday or Tuesday, she will be greeting me (and only one of me) in the morning with both eyes wide and a smile across her sweet, soft face. To tell me that Daddy and I did the right thing. To tell me she isn’t mad at us.

I know these things… truly, I do. But it still hurts. A lot.
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